The Void
by ConstantTraveller
Summary: [MASSIVE SPOILERS] When Jim wakes up, he seems awfully calm for someone who had just died. The truth is that he had already wakened once before. [Oneshot] Friendship fic, Kirk & Spock


**The Void**

**World: **Into Darkness

**Disclaimer: **I do not own this amazing movie, nor the franchise or associated TV Shows and merchandise.

**Summary:** [MASSIVE SPOILERS] When Jim wakes up, he seems awfully calm for someone who had just died. The truth is that he had already wakened once before. [Oneshot] Friendship fic, Kirk & Spock

~~~~~~~~~~~~~****ST****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he awakens, the room is dark.

He doesn't gently stir; flutter his eyelashes and breath deeply and serenely. He doesn't pull back the covers and smile at the window as he contemplates life and his new chance at existing.

Instead, he jolts awake, his body on fire and his head pounding worse than any hangover he has ever had. He is half sitting and half reclining and it feels like a million tiny cramps have seized his muscles. Blearily, he looks down at himself, at his body, and blinks stupidly. He can feel the blood running through his veins, from the tips of fingers to the depths of his chest.

Already, the sweat has begun to pour down him. He can feel it sliding down his back and drenching his neck. His throat feels like sandpaper and his eyes sticky and unfocused.

Dimly, he recognizes that he is going through shock. However, his mind is running widely, trying to understand how he could be going through shock, how he could be sweating and coughing and aching, when he is meant to be _dead. _And not the 'I probably stopped breathing and passed out for a few moments' dead that he's felt before but the kind of dead that is permanent and dark.

He licks his lips and sits up a bit straighter, while forcing his jaw to unclench. He lifts his arms experimentally and wiggles his toes (just to check). The buzzing in his ears begins to fade, to be replaced by the familiar sound of Tinnitus (a side effect of too many bars, too many explosions and the collective yelling of dozens of angry ex-girlfriends).

And then, the aches are already beginning to fade. His muscles are relaxing and his breathing is calming. His heart is still thudding at a million miles an hour but he recognizes that it's beating and that such a movement is _good. _

He lays back down on his now slightly damp bed and stares at the window. It's raining and the room is slightly cold. He wanders what time it is, or better yet, what day. Through the fogged windows and the rain he guesses that it's late at night, or early in the morning. He knows that he's in a hospital but it is solemnly quiet.

The door slides open.

They stare at each other for a moment, neither wanting to break the silence. Kirk isn't sure of what he's trying to see, but he notes the lack of injuries on the man. He doubts that Spock managed to get through the battle unscathed so he estimates his coma as being a few weeks at least.

"You are awake," says the Vulcan, as he steps into the room.

The door slides shut, leaving them in privacy and silence. The rain, always present, trickles down the glass of the window. Kirk breathes through his nose deeply, willing his red and watering eyes to calm down.

"You're alive," says Kirk, in response. He's surprised by how relieved he feels. How suddenly glad he is to know that both of them survived.

The Vulcan seems slightly taken back by the statement and there is a slight pause as the other man thinks on his words. "My state of health seems an odd focus for you to have, Captain. Especially considering your previous condition."

"By which you mean my death, right?" Says Kirk, offhandedly, as he breathes out.

"Yes."

"So I died."

"You phrase your words like a statement."

Kirk looks towards the window once more, "There's no question that I died. I feel like someone just threw me in a vat of acid."

"You are in pain?"

Kirk stays silent, not wanting to say. His pride has started to bubble forth from its indestructible well. He feels supremely uncomfortable in his body, almost like an imposter. If he hadn't lived for so many years in its confines, he might have doubted it was his at all.

In the silence, Spock has already read through the doctor's chart and surveyed the many machines hooked up to him.

"Your vital signs seem to be stable and there is no observable mutations or cancers present from the radiation."

"Good," says Kirk, nonchalantly.

"Good," said Spock in reply, "seems an inadequate phrase considering the circumstances."

"Great," Kirk amends, with a wry grin.

Calmly and with a familiar look of measuring, judging and deducing, Spock takes a seat beside his bed. There is a sense of expectancy surrounding him, the kind of vibe he used to get from people with secrets.

"How did you know I was awake?" Jim asks curiously and to break the strained silence.

"I had your pulse fitted to a transmitter. Your initial panic caused it to spike which alerted me to your rising."

"You must have only been a few metres away though. Shouldn't you be at home?"

"I did not think it wise to leave you unobserved in such a fragile state. Especially considering the method of revival we used."

"Oh. Thanks."

The Vulcan is silent, although his silence to Jim seems oddly comforting and reassuring. He wonders how much of the man's time had involved staying at the hospital.

"Did everyone else survive?"

"Of our crew, nearly all. Of the city… thousands died."

Kirk pauses for a moment and let the other mans words drift through him. His crew is safe. A thought occurs to him and he laughs although his parched throat turns the sound into a grim grunt of humour.

"Am I missing the humour of my statement?" Says Spock. He doesn't seem angry at Jim's lack of respect, just confused.

"It's just…," he says, "you said 'our crew.' It's just odd to hear you say that."

"As your First Officer and also the Acting Captain while you recover, the Enterprise is technically under joint command. Therefore, she is 'ours' to control."

"I know. But like I said, it's just odd to hear it from you." Kirk frowns and his expressions grows dark as he asks, "wait, why are thousands dead in the city? I thought I… avoided that."

"The Earth's gravitational pull was strong enough to pull both our ship and also Khan's into descent. While you minimized the impact, casualties still occurred."

"Shit. Where'd he crash?"

"Here. San Francisco, Captain. Our initial warp to Earth's orbit was naturally aligned with Starfleet's base, which proved detrimental once descent occurred."

"How many?"

"They are still counting. Much of the city was saved, however, the initial impact and the subsequent tidal waves effected the coastline areas severely."

There's an immense pressure that forms in the pit of his stomach as he stares up at the ceiling. His mind is spinning and revisiting all the moments of that last battle, all the things he could have done to save just one more person. He knows that it is his fault. He was gullible from the start, a little kid walking and talking like an adult. He thinks back to Pike's last moments and thinks of the thousands of others who went through the same pain and suffering. The thousands of families that felt the same grief and rage that he did.

"You blame yourself," says Spock. He speaks simply and while his expression doesn't change, his eyes seem sad and old.

Kirk makes an indignant sound but his eyes involuntarily water once more. He wishes he could just turn over in his bed, pull his sheets up to his chin and go back into a coma once more.

"Captain," says Spock and the tone of his voice makes Kirk look at the man. For once, he seems to be struggling for words, his internal battle becoming increasingly physically apparent. "There was nothing more that could be done."

Kirk feels the dams break; the water-works start as the tears flow. He wished the sight could look dignified and honourable but he knows that he simply looks pathetic.

"Bullshit, Spock. There's always more that could have been done. That's just bullshit and you know it."

"I must speak frankly, Captain," says the man, obviously struggling. "In these conversations, where emotions are erratic, I would prefer to answer with logic and to resolve this through rationality and reason –"

"Well just fuc –"

" – But as much as I am Vulcan, I am also human," he continues, interrupting Kirk's reply. "I can not sit here and pretend that there were not other outcomes that could have occurred. For every moment in time and existence, there is always a separate path that can be taken. But in existence and life, there can be no more that an individual can do than give up their own life to save others. There is nothing more permanent and selfless."

Shifting uncomfortably, Kirk wipes at his eyes. "Thanks for the sentiment, Spock but I haven't changed my mind."

He watches as the other man takes a deep breath, "I would not ask you to change that part of you, Captain. It is the quality that makes your staff loyal to you and that makes you a successful commander."

Kirk laughs raggedly, wiping his hands over his eyes. He feels so utterly helpless, now that the fight is over and the battle done. "You know, Spock, when I was in that chamber taking my last breaths, I actually felt scared."

Spock tilts his head, his expression becoming slightly more sombre, "You talked of this feeling when I was with you. But you must have felt it before with many of our other missions?"

"Not to that degree. I was always doing something when I felt that terror; running, climbing… fighting for my life. I never had the chance to stop and actually realise that I was dying or at least near to death. In the chamber, there was nothing else to think of."

The other man looks away from him, pausing while his eyes fixate on the bed cover. "I know the feeling Captain. I felt it in the volcano, when I thought that surely I would die. Many times I have reflected on that event in my meditations and while I had a small thought for being rescued, I had utterly accepted death as an inevitability."

"Oh come on Spock, you know that I'd never just let you die."

"There was a small part of my thoughts that hoped such an event would occur. But in my last moments, I chose to think as a Vulcan and so I let go of that hope and embraced my fate, despite the fear. Do not forget, Captain, that despite all that we had gone through, I still let you die."

Kirk feels his body recoil at the statement.

"If I had been a true friend, the friend that you deserved, I would have opened that door and withstood the radiation to save you. I should not have," the Vulcan swallows and Kirk can see that he is visibly struggling to remain composed, "let you suffer and die and only _watched._ I know now that Khan's blood would have healed me if I had taken such a course of action."

"Spock, you can't seriously believe that I hold anything against you? Right? I mean, Scotty was in the room. I wouldn't have let you open that door even if you had wanted to. Sure, we know now that Khan's blood would have healed you but we didn't then. Even a small dose of that radiation would have set you up for years of cancer's and mutations, bloody noses and headaches. I wouldn't wish that on you."

Spock doesn't answer, although he bows his head slightly.

"Come on, Spock. You aren't telling me something."

The man's eyes rise to meet Kirk's and he looks torn and as upset as a Vulcan in control could be. "You say that you couldn't hold it against me but that is not consistent with your past behaviour."

"What are you talking about?"

"I apologized to you for submitting that report for our previous message and yet you persisted with demonstrating your anger towards me. Judging by your reaction to that submission, it would be illogical for me to assume your forgiveness for letting you die."

"Well fuck, Spock," says Kirk. "I didn't mean… I told you didn't I? I told you why I was upset about that?"

"You did. But it does not change the fact that I should prepare for you to feel anger towards me in this moment and for many weeks, perhaps years, to come."

"Jesus, Spock. From your perspective, I must seem like a shitty friend."

Kirk watched as Spock shook his head, lowered his eyes and closed them firmly. He took a deep breath, before looking at the ceiling. Jim couldn't be sure but he thought he could see wetness around the eyes, a line at the corner of his mouth that spoke of misery and confusion.

"Captain, make no mistake that I hold you in the highest esteem."

Spock's hand is lying on the bed and Jim feels an urge to grab it, to physically convince the Vulcan that he is not angry with him. But the moment passes and the itch fades from the back of his mind. Instead, he simply stares at his friend, and wonders just how he deserved such a person in his life.

"Sometimes I wonder, Spock, why it's always so hard between me and you. If we aren't insulting each other or trying to resolve something, we're jumping off ships and fighting for our lives. There's never a rest from it, never a moment of calm."

The other man nods in assent, "Indeed, Captain. It is stressful at times."

"That's an understatement. But the thing is, I don't want it to be easy. I don't want someone agreeing with everything that I say. Someone who will just nod and go along with the many stupid, idiotic things that I do daily."

"Captain-"

"Jim… or Kirk. Just not Captain."

"Jim… I was raised on Vulcan and while it is no more, I cannot help referring to my old customs and to the mannerisms of my people. If there are moments were I offend, or seem cold and directive, it is not because I do not feel or because I do not respect you and the crew. When I handed in that report, I did not do so to undermine your commands. I did what seemed logical to me."

"I know. I was stupid for trying to make it out to be some big betrayal."

"You must also acknowledge, Jim, that while I often act in a narrow capacity, you also have the propensity for unjustly judging yourself negatively."

Kirk doesn't answer, but averts his eyes ashamedly.

"If I can implore one thing, you must not blame yourself for the deaths of those civilians. I have been down that path, when Vulcan was destroyed, and it is a dark path to travel."

Breathing in, Kirk nods respectfully, "you're right. It's the same thing I'm doing that you did. I watched you go through that and it looked like hell…. And to be honest, I've been through hell with Khan and I don't want to go back."

There is a comfortable silence between the two, broken only by the soft patter of the rain. Kirk lies back on his pillow and lets the softness of it wash over him. After the shock of his sudden awakening and the intensity of their conversation, he feels suddenly exhausted. The pads of his finger tingle, as if reminding him that he is lucky to feel tired, to feel upset or guilty. To feel anything at all when better people had died for less than he had.

"I should leave you to rest," says Spock, as he stands. Kirk watches him as he rises and he is surprised by the disappointment he feels at the other man leaving. "While your body is stabilized, you have not had a chance to mentally recover from your ordeal. If I may, I have one last question before I leave. Often humans speak of experiencing visions of the afterlife upon returning. Did you see or hear anything?"

Kirk thinks back to his last moments. The fear and the terror that seized his body. The loudness of his heart as the blood pumped frantically through his body. And then the sudden loss of his senses, the quietness of his world and the blackness of the void.

"No, Spock. I didn't. It felt a lot like sleeping."

The man nods, "Rest well, Jim."

Jim wrestles out a tired grin and watches as Spock leaves the room.

When the doors slide shut, he is left alone with the sound of the rain. He stares into oblivion for a moment, his mind temporarily closed to anything but the gentle pitter-patter on the window.

His eyes close and he feels the lure of the void call him, now so familiar and comforting to him.

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**AN: **Thank you for reading my story. I really hoped you enjoyed it. Please review if you liked it!


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